As sung to the tune of this Salt-N-Pepa classic.
A post of this nature has been on the tip of my tongue (well, keyboard, but I like alliteration) for weeks now, but having left it sat half-finished in my drafts for a month or so I think it’s time I finally sit down and pour my little heart out once more. As much as this is a personal blog, there are some personal things I don’t really chat about on the internet and I like to keep it that way, but there are also some things that I think can be helped by getting off my chest. I’ve deliberated about publishing this, even now I’m not so sure, but I feel like I just need to let my worries go and hit publish. Or schedule, anyway.
So, I’m stressed. I’m stressed out my box and have been for a while now. It’s mostly my own fault and the majority of my stress can be related to my unending habit of putting ridiculous amounts of pressure on myself to keep up with everything. I’ve been like this for a while now, and although I’m conscious of it I still haven’t stopped. To be fair to myself, there are some overwhelming external factors contributing to this, but that’s just life, isn’t it?
I think I cope okay with being a ball of stress – if you ignore the fact that my hair is quite literally falling out thanks to alopecia triggered by stress leaving me with bald patches, that my skin is suffering from delightful dry patches that just won’t budge, and that I feel like I never chill out. Losing my hair has been a difficult thing for me and although it’s been going on for months now I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. My hair has always been a comfort blanket of sorts which made it really tough for me. Not many people know about that and I still feel a little reluctant to share this with so many people in such an open manner, but I think I just need to vent a little in my true oversharing-on-the-internet style. My health going to shit was a big kick up the backside that helped me realise I was being a little bit too hard on myself, so I feel like I have eased off a little since then.
To an extent, though, I do thrive off of being busy. I like to fill my days off with tasks and catch ups and although it does sometimes drive me to the brink of burnout I work endlessly on improving or learning or developing or just doing something. I need to figure out how to take more days off that are actually days off, but I think due to my days off being few and far between thanks to spending my life flitting between work and college, I always have too much to do. I’m learning to prioritise myself better, and I’ve been making plenty of time for bubble baths with my latest series too. It’ll be hit and miss for a while, but I think I can make this work and figure out some sort of disjointed routine.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this, it’s just one of those word-vomit posts that everyone needs to write every once in a while. I think my whole point is that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s life. I tend to mostly share the good things, and that’s not because I think it’s what I have to do, it’s just what I want to do. I want to look back at the happy times, not the times where I felt like bursting in to tears at any given moment.
Even if someone is sharing how happy they are with how something is going it in no way means they have no other worries in life. Just because I have a happy little Instagram where I share my highlights and the things I want to remember doesn’t mean that everything else is the same. I like to focus on the happy things because it helps me to stay positive when I need it most. It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to assume that someone has a perfect life just because they share the good things.
Okay, I think I’m done rambling now. It can be cathartic to talk, even if it is just sitting in my onesie staring at yet another screen. Basically, don’t be a dick and don’t assume people have it perfect based on what they let you see. I feel like this has been a very woe-is-me kinda post, which is fair enough, but I’m muddling on through. I’m proud of my hard work and I’m trying to look after myself more, that’s all that matters right now.